Wednesday, February 14, 2007

My Best Ever One-Liner

I know I've said before that I'm not very quick on my toes with comebacks and that they usually come to me five minutes later than when I actually needed them. However, there was one time when I produced a master piece comeback.

It was about ten years ago. My husband has always been known to be a bit of a nag. (For some reason that role was reversed in our house) He always said he had to stay on me or nothing would ever get done due to my procrastination and always running behind schedule. Anyhow, I don't recall exactly what he was griping at me about on that particular day but he was basically on me for a while about many different things. It was probably a day when he was doing yard work and I was supposed to be inside cleaning house but he caught me on the couch eating bon-bons and watching soaps or something. His philosophy on our "cleaning day" was always, if I'm out there working on the yard and the cars then you need to be in here doing the house and not camped out on the phone. He never realized I was multi-tasking and can do almost anything with a phone attached to my ear. Anyway, I honestly don't recall what he was nagging at me about but I know he wasn't holding back and I'd had enough.

I remember it like it was yesterday and actually so does he. He was standing on the front porch. We had a large concrete porch at the time. I was walking in the front door and he was saying something to me when I felt these little horns suddenly pop out of each side of my head. I felt my teeth growing into fangs. I think my fingernails even grew two inches. I felt fire roaring from deep within my chest. Try to imagine small amounts of spit spewing out of my mouth as I said it and my voice being very strained from all of the energy I was putting into it. It was sort of like yelling but more of a lower and deeper sound. Anger was radiating from within.

My exact words were, "Why don't you run on down to the feed store and pick up a saddle so you'll be more comfortable while you're riding my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At that moment he realized he needed to lay off. The look on his face was priceless and one I'll never forget. We still laugh about my infamous one-liner and he'll readily admit that he had it coming. To this day it's still one of my proudest moments!

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

"He always said he had to stay on me or nothing would ever get done due to my procrastination and always running behind schedule."

i deal with this same exact way of thinking with preston! ugg..

teedee said...

Maybe I should join your husband down at the feed store.
All my husband does is sit on the couch & watch TV. I think if I'm cleaning, he should be helping. It is his house, too.
Sorry, Carri, but I feel like we should both be working at the same time so we can enjoy the short lived cleanliness together. It drives me CRAZY when I get 1/2 the work done & hasn't even started his 1/2. I feel like we NEVER get a job 100% finished & then I can't enjoy the clean side due to worrying over his messy side.
Whew! That was a long sentence. Back to the issue, your comeback was funny though, you procrastinating lazy cow...

Carri said...

Teedee,
Breathe! Ha! We've been down this road. Don't sweat the small stuff. Did I hit a nerve? Ha! J/K! Get a saddle and put him in his place! HA!

Carri said...

PS. I think I found two peas in a pod! Want his #? Bahahahahaha!

Darla said...

oooohhhh, I am soooo swiping that one! HA HA!

Carri said...

Jenn, I didn't know you had an a** rider, too!
Go for it, Darla. I forgot to copy right it!
I'm still laughing about our recent chat, teedee! I guess this topic was appropriate, huh? Yep, you definitely need a saddle. ha

teedee said...

I'd say you hit a sore spot! I need a saddle to ride my donkey, not my horse....

Anonymous said...

I luv fellow procrastinators!!!

Anonymous said...

oh yea, that was me! <3 jen

paul/dad/grandpa said...

Gosh, why didn't i think of that. I'm going to run down to the feed store and get a saddle for Patty and see if that doesn't improve her performance. I gain so much insight about how to respond sensitively to lack of performance by my little feminine counterparts, by reading your comments...(that was a hooot!!)

Kelli said...

That WAS the best ever One-Liner! I loved it! ha